hatesdeerstalkers | IC INBOX FOR DAYBREAK

[He wouldn't really be wrong and that's why she was just screwing around before and now it's somehow even more complicated than the relationship bullshit!

She's sucking in a breath through her teeth, not entirely sure how to answer that just yet.]

I don't... I don't know. I don't know either way, actually. We were talking just fine the other day, so I guess... not? But I don't know if he remembers much about it, either. [It's one of Those Things.]

...I'm sorry, you're not sure he remembers? Were you both intoxicated at the time?

[Was this a drunken booty call?]

[HAHAH.

About that.]

... Y-yes, we were. [God, she's just going to bury her face in her hands with a soft whine.]

[...Time to reach out and pat her back.]

Honestly, if that's the case - if neither of you wish to pursue anything, just say that it was a one-time thing brought on by the haze of alcohol.

[She's visibly flinching as she's touched, but she soothes quick enough afterward. Oof.]

I... guess so. I dunno, it feels like a shitty fucking thing to just kind of shrug it all off. But it's not like... we ever really seemed to want anything to begin with, and fuck knows with my record it wouldn't work out anyway.

[There's a lot of self-loathing in there, and he gets why - but at the same time...]

...You were - I'm assuming - both adults, and both consenting. If it hasn't destroyed your relationship with this person, and you both are more comfortable in being friends, then I would say it's better to not shrug it off, but acknowledge it happened, and then move on.

[He's quiet for a moment.]

...Is that why you asked me about if Whore is different now as opposed to my day?

[Self-loathing is her favorite way to pass time, clearly.]

Something like that, yeah. I don't know if it's something either of us really wants to talk about to begin with, I know that I'd be shit at everything and I'm pretty sure he knows that, too. There's no real point in talking about it, it happened, whoop-de-doo at this point.

[GOD, why does he have to be correct on everything? She's quiet herself, looking down at her hands for a second, she hadn't noticed that they were balled into fists and her knuckles were practically white. Great.]

Kinda, yeah. Whore, slut, whatever the hell the word you wanna use for it is. Just like everything else in my goddamned life, even all of this is fucked up.

...And you're worried how others will perceive you.

[It's less that he's correct all the time and more that Jolyne is an open book, past her shield. Now that he's gotten to know her - and she's allowed him to see a bit past her iron shell - It's easy enough for him to see the roiling emotions and assumptions she makes about herself and others.

It's painful and familiar, and he keeps his hand on her back.]

...You're not 'fucked up' for having casual relations with a consenting friend. Nor does it make you a whore, unless he paid you. Technically, slut is closest...but even then, that's just a word others use to put down a woman for daring to not be tied down to a single person.

[He gives a derisive snort, because, honestly? in the years he's been out in the world, he's seen plenty of strong women - enough to have made him realize the double standard society puts on them, and how they have to constantly prove themselves and deal with societal disapproval if they step out of their pre-approved roles.]

...I know this may not be a comfort to you - but for myself, at least, you are not any of those things. And you will never be any of those to me, no matter what you do.

You are merely Jolyne, my dear student, and a very strong woman.

[Everything is about perception, whether she wants to believe it or not. Even way before this place it was all about how someone saw you, whether it meant putting on a show to be a good student, or a good girl. Or being the demon they all saw instead. Even the times in jail and the brief stint in prison showed her that how you carry yourself really does matter.

Which is why she's not entirely sure how to take all of this. How can she be strong when she's also wanting to just curl up on herself and pretend none of this happened? To go about being the awful piece of shit she thought herself as and yet people keep coming into her damn bubble and dragging her out inch by inch.

She's really not sure if she likes this.]

I don't understand why. [She means why he'd see her like this.]

I don't deserve any of this shit, I'm really just forever a lost cause no matter what I do. Hell, I don't know why anyone gives me the time of fucking day, there's no reason to and it seems there's a new fucking person every damn week. Fucking why?

[....She truly is similar, isn't she?

Quietly, he shakes his head.]

It isn't about deserving, Jolyne.

It is...because, to us, you are worth it. You are someone we care for, even if you feel you do not deserve that care or love.

[But, he also wants to address something else.]

...I don't see you as a lost cause, either.

After all - you're here talking to me about this, aren't you? You're willing to discuss your insecurities and problems.

A lost cause would do neither.

[He knows from experience about that, because -

Well. He's never really spoken to anyone about his issues, and it feels too late to now, when it's all over.

And he doesn't want her to go down that same path.]

[It isn't about deserving? But then how can she be worth any of it? It doesn't make any sense to her and she doesn't really see how it would make sense if she twisted it in any other direction. She's just that violent loud girl that causes fights, dresses provocatively (for her own self, really), and gets everyone riled up. That's it. That's all.

But she's keeping her silence for now, the only sound her breathing that she's trying so hard to keep steady and in a particular rhythm. She might as well try while she's not under actual physical duress, perhaps.

It seems to be working to steady her nerves, if only for a little bit.]

But what if even with all the talking in the world nothing changes? That you keep doing the same shit over and over again without meaning to and it just stays in that same cycle? That you can't seem to fix no matter what you do?

I can talk all day, I guess, but if things can't or won't change, what does it matter at that point? Or, well, so is the shit I've heard from the therapists or whatever. That I dig my heels in the ground and refuse to change, even if that's bullshit.

[As always, he notices the breathing changes - but it's so close to meditative breathing that he thinks it's that instead.

It's - a little frustrating, seeing her constantly shut him out, and shut down any avenue that isn't the safe lie of 'I'm just someone who isn't worth the trouble, and I never will be.'

But, at the same time, he still understands why. The loss of the mask means bearing your easily injured self to the world.]

...Do you really believe you're stuck in the same cycle? Even when you're showing signs of beginning to break it?

[He sighs.]

Jolyne, it takes time. It takes time to relearn good behavior and to abandon maladaptive ones. It is indeed bullshit that to those that are supposed to help you, you 'dig your heels in the ground and refuse to change' in their minds, when the issue is that you work at it slowly but surely.

[He stands for a moment, grabbing a pencil and a piece of paper, before sitting down.]

Let me explain in a way that I think might make sense for both of us.

[he writes down an equation - 2+2 =?]

Now then - you can most likely solve this, yes? It's simple.

[Then, he writes down 2x2=?]

This is harder than the first, but still simple. It requires you to understand something other than addition and subtraction, but it's still easily worked out.

[ 2x2-3+5%3=?]

You can even mix both systems, but this is still more difficult than the other two - and someone who only knows addition and subtraction would have trouble.

[Then, he writes down more without stopping - from fractions to algebra, increasing in difficulty until the last one is a hulking, difficult looking mass of an equation.]

Now, I assume you would have difficulty with the last one. You may not even be able to solve it, even if I gave you all of the time in the world, simply because you don't know the individual steps on how to tackle it.

[He points to the third equation with his pencil.]

As you are now, you are right here. You are learning the systems, and trying to better yourself. But -

[He points at the final equation.]

-You're trying to jump to this difficulty, and are frustrated and scared that you can't solve it yet. But...you can.

[He puts the paper down, looking at her with a gentle smile.]

All you need to do is allow yourself to learn all the other steps between you and what you want to be.

[For once she's quiet as she lets him speak, as he goes about the math problems. It's a weird way to equate things at first, to her mind, but the explanation is where it starts to make actual sense.

Steps and levels, increasing and changing depending on the stepping stones towards them. She kind of gets it, even if she's still frustrated at the fact that everything goes so slowly for her. It shouldn't be this slow, right? If she were like anyone else, it wouldn't be.

But she can't really think like that, can she? She's not someone else, after all. And different circumstances between them...

Her focus remains on the paper for now, a small frown on her lips.]

I'm not a patient person, I never have been. I don't sit still well and I don't tend to keep my attention on things for very long. Act before I think.

That... might be why it's so goddamned frustrating, that I can't just push through all of this. If it takes too long then what's the point of it?

[There's a soft bit of a laugh, though the sound is mostly bitter.]

Fuck, that makes more sense than it really ought to. Every goddamned thing I try to fucking rush...

Patience is one of the hardest things to learn, you know.

[He says it with a lopsided smile, as if to say 'I was like you, once.']

However, taking a long time doesn't mean it's worthless. Trees grow over decades, even centuries, and they're incredibly valuable.

...And you have the time to slow down, to focus on what needs to be focused on. To learn these steps, and heal from old wounds that you've never allowed to fully close.

Rushing has it's place, but for this? For you? It's perfectly fine to learn how to wait, as long as you allow yourself to.

[And he reaches over and flicks her on the forehead.]

So believe in yourself, even if it's just in the tiniest of ways. One day, you might just realize why we believe in you.

[Patience isn't something she tended to want to use or learn, unfortunately.]

Do I really have the time to do that? With the whole pushing the Nightfall thing and the training bit, do I have time to take for myself? [That's... actually not a terrible question, even if she hasn't been allowed anywhere near the Herald shit since she first got here. The first time due to her instability and aggressive issues and this one more due to a lack of tact...

She is squeaking as she's flicked, brow furrowing as she focuses on him once again.]

Believing in myself is hard as fuck to do, but I guess I won't know if I can if I don't try, huh?

Of course you do - just because Nightfall may happen doesn't mean you shouldn't take time to focus on yourself. In fact, by not taking that time...it can end up injuring you in the long run.

[He nods at her question, smiling.]

Exactly. And the more you try at it, the easier it will become.

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