hatesdeerstalkers | IC INBOX FOR DAYBREAK

Nnnno.

No, I did absolutely fucking not.

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM, ACTUALLY.

Oh, good. Because honestly, I'd suspect he'd have a tiny bat heart attack if you called yourself one in front of him. He is from the same time period as myself, after all.

[Yeeeep.]

If that's the case, then unless you wish to tell me, I won't pry.

Yeah, well. He's really only a year older than me, in some weird time bullshit shenanigans.

...

Goddammit. Look.

It's not. That important.

But I might be having some Thoughts and they aren't Great. Or more like situations that are gonna get real awkward, real fucking fast. Or something like that.

I don't fucking know anymore, it's all a fucking mess.

Not that important? But it's clearly bothering you, so it is important.

[He's not letting her get away with putting herself down so easily, okay.]

I'm not in my office, but if you'd like to come over to my apartment, we can talk. Though you'll have to give me a moment to shut down my Stream.

[...Moriarty streams????]

It's dumb stupid bullshit!!!

[Goddammit, Moriarty. Why do you have to be like this.]

I fucking guess.

...

The fuck you streaming?

Ah? Speedrunning.

[He pauses for a bit before the next response.]

Alright, the stream is over. What do you want to drink when you come over?

Edited 2019-11-16 03:33 (UTC)

You know what, I'm not going to fucking question that.

... Uh.

Honestly, I'm not picky?

Speedrunning games is a perfectly acceptable hobby, Jolyne.

[Look. Let him have this.]

And if that is the case...then how do you feel about Sprite?

Just not what I expected, didn't say there's anything wrong with that.

[It's just weird when you're that old, man!]

Thaaaat's fine? Honestly, I don't care that much. Look, I'm on my way or whatever, shouldn't be long?

[Hey, when she says not long, she means not long. Even if that means ignoring literally everyone on her way and making sure to knock before anything else.

She can be polite.

Rarely.]

I'll be waiting!

[And as soon as she gets there and knocks on the door, a familiar british voice pops up -]

Come in!

[When she does, she'll find Moriarty on the couch, a cup of tea set out for himself and a bottle of Sprite for her.]

Take a seat anywhere you'd like!

[God, this is absolutely insane to her for some reason she can't quite place, but she'll just take the first seat she can find after casually snatching that bottle.

This is fine.

At least it's not goddamned tea again.]

... So. [Good job.]

[Well, it looks like he'll have to be the one to start this - and after a sip (and waiting to see if she had anything else to say), he clears his throat.]

...Everything's a bit of a mess for you, yes?

['Start from there.']

[Every time she loses her nerve to talk in person until pushed, it's a bit of a bothersome thing sometimes. But she's rubbing at her face for a moment at the question, trying to figure out where to even start at this point.]

"A bit" is an understatement, honestly. [Even on the best of days.]

I just. I don't really know. I pretty much gave up on ever having any sort of relationship that was actually... good in whatever way you define good? Which didn't really bother me at the time, I guess, safer to keep everyone at arm's length and just have some... fun? Sure, fun. If the opportunity kind of came up, but it's gotten real fuckin' awkward lately when things kinda seemed to snap while not really in the best of states at the end of the month and I don't know if they remember what happened, I barely remember what happened, but something absolutely did happen and fuck if I know how to really handle this shit as this is the one person that was or is, I don't know, with someone so now I guess I'm dealing with some homewrecker bullshit now too?

[Damn, this is some word salad and she's aware of it.]

God, fuck it, it's stupid.

[...Ah, youth. He bites back his first impulse ('This is why romance is something that I don't bother with'), and, instead, mulls it over for a second before speaking.]

...It may be stupid, but life itself is a muddled, complicated mess.

...So, do you regret this...fun that you had? Does your partner also regret it?

[He wouldn't really be wrong and that's why she was just screwing around before and now it's somehow even more complicated than the relationship bullshit!

She's sucking in a breath through her teeth, not entirely sure how to answer that just yet.]

I don't... I don't know. I don't know either way, actually. We were talking just fine the other day, so I guess... not? But I don't know if he remembers much about it, either. [It's one of Those Things.]

...I'm sorry, you're not sure he remembers? Were you both intoxicated at the time?

[Was this a drunken booty call?]

[HAHAH.

About that.]

... Y-yes, we were. [God, she's just going to bury her face in her hands with a soft whine.]

[...Time to reach out and pat her back.]

Honestly, if that's the case - if neither of you wish to pursue anything, just say that it was a one-time thing brought on by the haze of alcohol.

[She's visibly flinching as she's touched, but she soothes quick enough afterward. Oof.]

I... guess so. I dunno, it feels like a shitty fucking thing to just kind of shrug it all off. But it's not like... we ever really seemed to want anything to begin with, and fuck knows with my record it wouldn't work out anyway.

[There's a lot of self-loathing in there, and he gets why - but at the same time...]

...You were - I'm assuming - both adults, and both consenting. If it hasn't destroyed your relationship with this person, and you both are more comfortable in being friends, then I would say it's better to not shrug it off, but acknowledge it happened, and then move on.

[He's quiet for a moment.]

...Is that why you asked me about if Whore is different now as opposed to my day?

[Self-loathing is her favorite way to pass time, clearly.]

Something like that, yeah. I don't know if it's something either of us really wants to talk about to begin with, I know that I'd be shit at everything and I'm pretty sure he knows that, too. There's no real point in talking about it, it happened, whoop-de-doo at this point.

[GOD, why does he have to be correct on everything? She's quiet herself, looking down at her hands for a second, she hadn't noticed that they were balled into fists and her knuckles were practically white. Great.]

Kinda, yeah. Whore, slut, whatever the hell the word you wanna use for it is. Just like everything else in my goddamned life, even all of this is fucked up.

...And you're worried how others will perceive you.

[It's less that he's correct all the time and more that Jolyne is an open book, past her shield. Now that he's gotten to know her - and she's allowed him to see a bit past her iron shell - It's easy enough for him to see the roiling emotions and assumptions she makes about herself and others.

It's painful and familiar, and he keeps his hand on her back.]

...You're not 'fucked up' for having casual relations with a consenting friend. Nor does it make you a whore, unless he paid you. Technically, slut is closest...but even then, that's just a word others use to put down a woman for daring to not be tied down to a single person.

[He gives a derisive snort, because, honestly? in the years he's been out in the world, he's seen plenty of strong women - enough to have made him realize the double standard society puts on them, and how they have to constantly prove themselves and deal with societal disapproval if they step out of their pre-approved roles.]

...I know this may not be a comfort to you - but for myself, at least, you are not any of those things. And you will never be any of those to me, no matter what you do.

You are merely Jolyne, my dear student, and a very strong woman.

[Everything is about perception, whether she wants to believe it or not. Even way before this place it was all about how someone saw you, whether it meant putting on a show to be a good student, or a good girl. Or being the demon they all saw instead. Even the times in jail and the brief stint in prison showed her that how you carry yourself really does matter.

Which is why she's not entirely sure how to take all of this. How can she be strong when she's also wanting to just curl up on herself and pretend none of this happened? To go about being the awful piece of shit she thought herself as and yet people keep coming into her damn bubble and dragging her out inch by inch.

She's really not sure if she likes this.]

I don't understand why. [She means why he'd see her like this.]

I don't deserve any of this shit, I'm really just forever a lost cause no matter what I do. Hell, I don't know why anyone gives me the time of fucking day, there's no reason to and it seems there's a new fucking person every damn week. Fucking why?

[....She truly is similar, isn't she?

Quietly, he shakes his head.]

It isn't about deserving, Jolyne.

It is...because, to us, you are worth it. You are someone we care for, even if you feel you do not deserve that care or love.

[But, he also wants to address something else.]

...I don't see you as a lost cause, either.

After all - you're here talking to me about this, aren't you? You're willing to discuss your insecurities and problems.

A lost cause would do neither.

[He knows from experience about that, because -

Well. He's never really spoken to anyone about his issues, and it feels too late to now, when it's all over.

And he doesn't want her to go down that same path.]

[It isn't about deserving? But then how can she be worth any of it? It doesn't make any sense to her and she doesn't really see how it would make sense if she twisted it in any other direction. She's just that violent loud girl that causes fights, dresses provocatively (for her own self, really), and gets everyone riled up. That's it. That's all.

But she's keeping her silence for now, the only sound her breathing that she's trying so hard to keep steady and in a particular rhythm. She might as well try while she's not under actual physical duress, perhaps.

It seems to be working to steady her nerves, if only for a little bit.]

But what if even with all the talking in the world nothing changes? That you keep doing the same shit over and over again without meaning to and it just stays in that same cycle? That you can't seem to fix no matter what you do?

I can talk all day, I guess, but if things can't or won't change, what does it matter at that point? Or, well, so is the shit I've heard from the therapists or whatever. That I dig my heels in the ground and refuse to change, even if that's bullshit.

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